君は多分解ってゐた筈だが、自同律を嫌悪する私は性に対してもその通りだったのだ。思春期を迎へ夢精が始まり、まあ、それは《自然》のことだから何とか自身を納得させたが自慰行為は幻滅しか私に齎さなかった。射精の瞬間の《快楽》がいけないのだ。その《快楽》は私に嘔吐を反射的に齎すものでしかなかった……
君は「xの０乗 = 1」《（x > 0）：0より大きい数の 0 乗は 1 となる》といふことは知ってゐるね。私はこの時自同律の嫌悪を超克するには《死》しかないと確信してしまったのだ。０乗の零が一回転に見え、即ち私にとってそれは現世での《一生》に見えてしまったのだ。生命は死の瞬間確率１にになる。つまり、１＝１といふ自同律が《死》で完結するのだ。これで自同律の嫌悪は終はる……
――はっ。
…………
ところで、雪を除いて過去に私を一方的に愛してしまった女性たちは或る時期を過ぎると必ず私に性行為を求めて来たので私は《義務》でそれら全てに応じたが、性行為が終わると《女の香り》が私を反射的に嘔吐させる引き金になってしまったのだ。勿論、私は同性愛者ではない。だから、尚更いけないのだ。或る時、私が射精した瞬間、女性の顔面に嘔吐してしまったのを最後に、私は女性との性行為もしくは性交渉をきっぱりと已めてしまった……
また雪を除いての話だが、それに《女体》の醜悪さはどうしようもなかった。彼女たちは彼女自身の《脳内》に棲む《自身の姿》をDietなどと称しながら自身の身体で体現する《快楽》が自同律の《快楽》だと知ってゐた筈だが、私の嘔吐を見ながらも已めはしなかったのだ。結局彼女たちの理想の体型は痩せぎすの《男の身体》に《女性》の性的象徴、例へば乳房を、しかもそれが豊満だと尚更良いのだが、そんな《不自然な》体型を《女体》と称して私に見せ付けたのだ。これが醜悪でないならば何が醜悪なのか……
そこに雪が現われたのだ。
私が欅の木蔭のBenchにゐた雪を見つけた時、反射的に私の足は雪に向かって歩き始めてしまった。その時、雪は読んでゐた本から目を上げ私を一瞥すると私の全てを一瞬にして理解したやうに可愛らしい微笑を顔に浮かべ私を彼女の《全存在》で受け入れてくれたのだ。君にはこの時の雪と私の間で通じ合ひ、それをお互ひ一瞬で理解したと認識し出来てしまったと多分お互ひ同士感じた筈である感覚は多分理解不能だと思ふが《奇跡的に》それがその時起こってしまったのだ。
吾ながら今もってその時の事は不思議でならないがね……
君は私が《黙狂者》だと認識してゐたので君は多分私と雪との関係をこれまた一瞬で理解したのだらうね、君は駆け出して私より先に雪に声を掛けたね。あの時は有難う。
――君、何の本を読んでゐるの ?
――William Blake(ヰリアム・ブレイク)よ。
――それは丁度いい。良かったならなんだけど、これから僕たちBlakeの《THERE IS NO NATURAL RELIGION》と《ALL RELIGIONS ARE ONE〜The Voice of one crying in the Wilderness〜》をネタにして男ばかりだけど……飲み会みたいなSalonみたいな真似事をしようとしてゐるので……君も来ないかい ?
――いいわよ。
――本当 !? じゃあ、僕らと一緒に行かう。
雪は君と会話してゐる間もずっと私を見て微笑んでゐたのは君も覚えているだらう。その時私には雪が尼僧の像と二重写しで見えてしまっていたのだ……
William Blake著
《THERE IS NO NATURAL RELIGION》
[a]
The Argument. Man has no notion of moral fitness but from
Education. Naturally he is only a natural organ subject to
Sense.
I Man cannot naturally Percieve. but through his natural or
bodily organs.
II Man by his reasoning power. can only compare & judge of
what he has already perciev'd.
III From a perception of only 3 senses or 3 elements none
could deduce a fourth or fifth
IV None could have other than natural or organic thoughts if
he had none but organic perceptions
V Mans desires are limited by his perceptions. none can desire
what he has not perciev'd
VI The desires & perceptions of man untaught by any thing but
organs of sense, must be limited to objects of sense.
Conclusion. If it were not for the Poetic or Prophetic character
the Philosophic ＆ Experimental woud soon be at the ratio of all
things ＆ stand still unable to do other than repeat the same dull
round over again
[b]
I Mans perceptions are not bounded by organs of perception. he
percieves more than sense (tho' ever so acute) can discover.
II Reason or the ratio of all we have already known. is not
the same that it shall be when we know more.
[III lacking]
IV The bounded is loathed by its possessor. The same dull
round even of a univer[s]e would soon become a mill with
complicated wheels.
V If the many become the same as the few, when possess'd,
More! More! is the cry of a mistaken soul, less than All cannot
satisfy Man.
VI If any could desire what he is incapable of possessing,
despair must be his eternal lot.
VII The desire of Man being Infinite the possession is Infinite
& himself Infinite
Application. He who sees the Infinite in all things sees
God. He who sees the Ratio only sees himself only.
Therefore God becomes as we are, that we may be as he is
《ALL RELIGIONS ARE ONE》
〔The Voice of one cryng in the Wilderness〕
The Argument As the true method of knowledge is experiment
the true faculty of knowing must be the faculty which experiences.
This faculty I treat of.
PRINCIPLE 1st That the Poetic Genius is the true Man. and that
the body or outward form of Man is derived from the Poetic Genius.
Likewise that the forms of all things are derived from their Genius.
which by the Ancients was call'd an Angel & Spirit & Demon.
PRINCIPLE 2d As all men are alike in outward form, So (and with
the same infinite variety) all are alike in the Poetic Genius
PRINCIPLE 3d No man can think write or speak from his heart, but
he must intend truth. Thus all sects of Philosophy are from the Poetic
Genius adapted to the weaknesses of every individual
PRINCIPLE 4. As none by traveling over known lands can find out
the unknown. So from already acquired knowledge Man could not ac-
quire more. therefore an universal Poetic Genius exists
PRINCIPLE. 5. The Religions of all Nations are derived from each
Nations different reception of the Poetic Genius which is every where
call'd the Spirit of Prophecy.
PRINCIPLE 6 The Jewish & Christian Testaments are An original
derivation from the Poetic Genius. this is necessary from the
confined nature of bodily sensation
PRINCIPLE 7th As all men are alike (tho' infinitely various) So
all Religions & as all similars have one source
The true Man is the source he being the Poetic Genius
(出典
ENGUIN CLASSICS版 「WILLIAM BLAKE――THE COMPLETE POEMS」より頁75〜77)
(以降に続く)